Waiting
by sweeet-as-honey
Summary: Ethan waits to discover if Louis is HIV positive. All Cal wants to do is help him.
1. Chapter 1

_I was wondering what Ethan did and how he felt while he was waiting for the test results. I used my imagination a lot and came up with this._

* * *

Ethan's hands were shaking.

His whole body was shaking, but he knew he couldn't give in to his feelings now. It was a natural reaction, but he had things to do. He had to follow the correct procedure and then get on with his job.

He tried telling himself this was nothing new. He followed procedures and did his job every day.

But this was different.

He tried not to think about what Cal might be doing. There was nothing he could do about it. Not now. He had to put himself first for once and leave his brother to clear up his own mess.

He also tried not to think about how much his life could change. There was no point in worrying until he knew there was something to worry about.

But the trembling didn't stop.

When he felt someone touch him, he cried out, his nerves far too frayed for him to suppress the sound.

"Hey, it's okay. It's only me." Cal put a hand on each of Ethan's shoulders and stood behind him. "It's okay."

"But we don't know if it is okay, do we?" burst out Ethan. His voice was shaking too.

"No," admitted Cal. His hands tightened on Ethan's shoulders. "Ethan, you're shaking."

"Wouldn't you be?" said Ethan. He looked down at his hand, trying to see if the bleeding had stopped, but his eyes were blurred.

"Of course I would," said Cal. "I'd be in a worse state than you." He stroked Ethan's shoulder. "You shake as much as you need to. No-one could blame you for that. And if they do, they'll be shaking too by the time I've finished with them." His arms wound protectively around Ethan for a moment.

Ethan heard the barely-suppressed emotion in Cal's voice. He felt it in Cal's convulsive hug. "What did you say to him, Cal? To Louis?"

"Nothing," admitted Cal. "Mrs Beauchamp made me leave. I didn't want to go, but you know what she's like. And I realised there were more important things I could be doing than killing Charlie's son."

A soft gasp escaped Ethan's lips. "You wanted to kill him?"

"Can you blame me?" said Cal.

Ethan closed his eyes for a moment. Cal wasn't touching him now, but Ethan was aware of his presence and was grateful for it. He didn't think Cal would really have killed Louis, but it was at moments like this when Ethan realised Cal did care about him. "What was the more important thing? More important than killing Louis?"

"Being here for my brother," said Cal simply. He gently took Ethan's wrist in his hand. "Let me help you."

Ethan shook his head. "Lily booked me in as a patient."

"Yes, and I'll be your doctor," said Cal.

"You're not allowed to treat me."

Cal's voice was fierce. "I don't think I'd trust anyone else with you right now. Look what just happened!"

"It was an accident," said Ethan, his head dropping. He couldn't deal with this.

He ought to be able to deal with it. He knew the procedure and he'd always known this could happen, but he hadn't been prepared. Perhaps you could never be prepared.

He tried to pull his wrist away, but Cal's grasp was too strong. "You shouldn't touch me, Caleb," said Ethan desperately.

"I'm going to wear gloves!" said Cal, as though this was almost too obvious to be worth saying, and Ethan's breath caught because that made it even more real. He remembered all the times Cal had dressed his injuries and not worn gloves.

It was different now. It might be different for the rest of his life.

A tear ran down Ethan's face and plopped into the sink. He hoped Cal wouldn't notice, but then he decided it didn't matter if he noticed or not. It didn't seem very important now.

"Oh, Ethan." Cal's voice was trembling too now. He let go of Ethan's wrist and hugged him so tightly, Ethan could hardly breathe.

More tears gathered in Ethan's eyes. The shaking was getting worse. He leaned his head against his brother's shoulder, though he was careful to keep his injured hand over the sink.

"There, it's okay. It's okay," said Cal. "Just stay there for a minute, okay?" He lifted his head and glanced at Ethan's hand. "It's still bleeding. Let me-"

"No. I can do it," said Ethan.

Cal rubbed his back. "Okay. If you'd rather do it yourself, that's fine."

"I would. And then I'll go and wait my turn in the waiting room with the other patients." There was so much Ethan couldn't control. Like the whole course of the rest of his life. Ensuring the injury was properly cleaned and the bleeding stemmed and then waiting for his appointment seemed like the only things he could do.

Cal stayed close to Ethan as he finished washing his hands. Ethan kept pressure on the wound as they made their way towards the waiting room, but Ethan was still trembling. He wondered if he'd ever stop.

He heard Cal's intake of breath, as though he was about to speak: most likely to offer his help again - but he said nothing. Ethan knew Cal wanted more than anything to help him, but he was calling back the words for Ethan's sake. Ethan didn't know if that made him feel better or worse. He was grateful for Cal's understanding, but it was out of character and became yet another reminder of how serious Ethan's situation was.

They stopped by the waiting room and Ethan bit his lip as he looked at the crowd of people. He knew what he ought to do, but he couldn't bear to sit there with the other patients. He knew there would be all kinds of questions about why he wasn't working. There were also children running around: what if one of them was bleeding and knocked into him or something? Ethan's trembling redoubled and he turned desperately to his brother. "Cal, please would you treat me?"

"Of course I will, Ethan. It's okay," said Cal calmly, and led Ethan to a cubicle.

It was a relief to let go; to let his big brother take over. Cal put some gloves on and gently took Ethan's hand in his. The bleeding had stopped, but Ethan found he was scanning Cal's gloves anxiously, terrified there might be a tear in them.

Would it always be like this? Would it become second nature to him, or would he always feel this scared for everyone he came into contact with? How could he do his job if he had such a serious illness? This job was all Ethan wanted, but he wanted his patients to be safe.

Ethan gave a sob and a few tears escaped. "I'm sorry," he whispered as he wiped them away.

Cal's gaze was sympathetic. "Ethan, you've just had a massive shock. It's okay to be upset. You've just been…" Cal's voice, which had started off as the voice of the calm Dr Knight, quivered slightly, but a moment later he was back in control. "Whatever you're feeling is understandable. You don't have to apologise for anything."

Ethan found the words calmed him a little. He sat quietly as Cal dressed his injury. When it was done, Cal gave Ethan a hug.

"Well done," said Cal. "Let's go and have a break."

"No." Ethan still didn't feel calm, but he would just have to fake it, as all doctors had to sometimes. "I'm going to go back to work." He tried to think logically. Not all the patients needed to be touched by the doctor. He wouldn't have to take another blood test. If a patient was bleeding, he could wear gloves.

But it was still a risk. You never knew that might happen. Today had proved that.

Cal looked horrified. "Ethan, you can't! How can you even think of work when you're waiting for… some news."

"You can say it if you want to," said Ethan. "Waiting to find out if I'm HIV positive."

Cal's eyes filled with tears. "You're not, Ethan. You can't be."

"Of course I can be," said Ethan. "You know how dangerous it is to share needles."

Cal gripped him by the shoulders and shook him slightly. "You didn't share his needle! He attacked you."

Ethan shook his head. "He didn't attack me. He was just frightened. I made him jump."

"Ethan, it's hardly your fault!"

"I know," said Ethan heavily. "I'm not blaming myself, but I'm also not blaming Louis. He said he didn't mean it and I believe him."

"That doesn't change what he did!" said Cal. He sounded angry now; helplessly angry.

"I know it doesn't," said Ethan. "But I'm all right. I'm going back to work. You should probably take a break, but I don't need one."

Cal looked annoyed. "You get attacked and possibly infected and I'm the one who needs a break?" Then the annoyance faded and he just looked upset. "Please, Ethan. Come and have a break. You'd be due for one soon anyway and you know you'd insist I had a break if it was me. The hospital can manage without us for a little while."

Ethan couldn't deny the truth of this. He knew he wasn't at his best. He looked down at his hand, at the bandage Cal had put on for him, and began to tremble again.

"I'll take that as a yes," said Cal, in a valiant attempt at sounding like his normal self, but his voice was too unsteady for that.


	2. Chapter 2

**Gillian Kearney Fan** , thank you for your review. I couldn't let Ethan suffer without some protective Cal! I hope you enjoy the next chapter.

 **Becs2202** , I loved seeing Cal so protective and angry too. I'm sure Ethan loved it too really! Thank you for your review - I'm really happy you liked the scene.

 **Tanith Panic** , thank you so much for your very kind review. In some ways I wish the script had gone this way, but it was a brilliant episode - the writer did really well to fit so much into fifty minutes.

 **Tato Potato** , I imagined this as a two shot so this would be the end. In some ways, I'd like to continue it with Louis and perhaps Ethan being HIV positive, but there are already some really good stories about this and I'm terrified of writing something offensive so it might be better to leave this one as it is. Thank you for your review.

* * *

They walked in silence. Ethan kept his head down; not really looking at where they were going but instinctively walking with Cal.

He stopped when he realised they were almost at the shop. He didn't want to see Honey. Not now. One moment of sheer terror from Louis and Ethan's chances with Honey could be completely over. He knew she wouldn't turn her back on him, but he couldn't let himself ruin her life.

"No," said Ethan weakly.

"Yes!" said Cal, and pushed Ethan into the shop.

"Hi, Ethan," said Honey, but Ethan couldn't look at her. "Ethan? Are you okay?"

Cal put his arm around Ethan's shoulders. He probably thought Ethan would run if he let go. It wasn't an unreasonable assumption. Ethan wanted to run: every part of him was screaming at him to run, but he couldn't move. If he ran, he would only be running from Honey. There would be no escape from anything else.

"Honey, have you got any special tea or something for shock?" said Cal.

"What happened?" said Honey. Ethan still couldn't look at her, but he heard her voice wavering with anxiety. "Ethan, what happened?"

"Nothing," said Ethan. He didn't want to tell her. It wasn't definite yet, much as he was convinced it was. And he didn't want to put her into the position of being forced to make a choice.

But he'd reckoned without Cal. "Ethan was giving a drug-addict patient an injection. The patient was scared and struggling and the used needle ended up in Ethan's hand."

"Cal, I'm sure Honey doesn't want to know-"

"So he's at risk from HIV," said Cal.

Honey gasped. Ethan watched her, unable to look away as he waited for her expression to change.

And it did change. It changed from concerned to sad.

She reached her hand across the counter towards Ethan. Without even thinking, he put his bad hand in hers. Honey gently touched the gauze. "This doesn't change who you are, Ethan. You're still the same person to me."

"Thank you," said Ethan. He wanted to say more, but there was a lump in his throat.

"I know there are some worries even Honey's Honey Tea can't take away," said Honey, with tears in her eyes. "But I'll make you some. On the house."

Ethan tried to smile. He couldn't.

Honey stroked his hand. "Would you like some too, Cal? On the house for you as well."

"Thanks, Honey," said Cal. He sounded close to tears too.

Honey made the tea in a polystyrene cup for Cal and a mug for Ethan.

He read the words on it and tried to smile. "Find the honey."

"It's my special one," said Honey.

"Thank you."

Honey blinked rapidly. "I don't let just anyone drink out of it, you know."

Then Ethan put the mug down on the table. "Honey, are you sure-"

"I wouldn't have done it if I wasn't sure, would I? You just take that and drink out of it and don't break it." Honey sniffed. "You make sure you look after him, Cal, or you'll find something nasty in your next drink."

"I'll look after him," said Cal. "Whatever happens." His voice trembled, but that didn't disguise the intensity.

They walked to the staff room together, Cal's arm around Ethan again. Somewhere in his mind, Ethan felt he ought to object, but he felt like he needed the physical contact at the moment. He needed to know Cal was there.

In the staff room, they sat on the sofa together. Cal spoke hesitantly. "Would it be helpful or annoying if I told you I knew what you were going through?"

Ethan turned sharply. "What do you mean you know what I'm going through? I know you've had tests done before, Cal. I know you have to get tests done regularly because of your… lifestyle. But that doesn't mean you have any idea of how I'm feeling right now."

"I didn't mean those tests," said Cal. "They're just precautionary. I had to get a test done because of something that happened."

Ethan didn't want to listen. He didn't want to think about Cal's problems. But curiosity won out. "What happened?"

"There was this girl," said Cal.

Ethan gave a shaky, humourless laugh. "I had a feeling it would start like that."

"We ran out of condoms one night, but we didn't let that stop us," said Cal.

"Lovely," said Ethan with an attempt at sarcasm because he knew that was expected of him, but the word sounded hollow.

Cal actually looked almost apologetic. "We weren't together for long, but a few months after that, she got in contact. She said the guy she was seeing behind my back was being tested for HIV and she thought she ought to warn me. I thought it was probably just revenge – I was sure she wasn't seeing anyone behind my back: she was crazy about me! - but I couldn't take the chance."

"Of course not," said Ethan quietly. Almost unconsciously, he moved closer to Cal. "When was this?"

"A few years ago," said Cal.

Ethan started to ask why Cal hadn't told him, but they hadn't really been speaking then. "What did you do?"

"At first I tried to bury my head in the sand," said Cal. "I told myself it was just a lie to get revenge on me. I managed to believe that for about a week, but only because I was drunk most of the time." He gave Ethan a quick glance. "There weren't any girls in that time. I know I can be a bit of a rat, but some things…"

Ethan nodded quickly. "I know, Cal." It hadn't even occurred to him to wonder about that. All he could think of was how Cal must have felt.

"Of course, you can still have a sex life with HIV," said Cal quickly. "But there is a risk, so the girl would have to be fully aware. And it's just not the kind of thing I could tell a stranger."

"Of course not," agreed Ethan mechanically.

"But then I just got scared," said Cal. "So scared. I knew what I had to do, but I couldn't do it. I went back to work. I could barely function; I made mistakes. Nothing major, but my bosses could see I wasn't myself and kept me in cubicles. They asked me what was wrong, but I couldn't tell them. I couldn't tell anyone."

He fell silent and Ethan touched his arm.

"I couldn't tell you… I obviously couldn't tell Mum," said Cal. "I didn't have any real friends. I had mates I went drinking with, but no-one I could talk to about it. I didn't know what to do."

Ethan squeezed his arm. He knew Cal was telling the truth. He could hear it in his voice, but he also knew it because he would be in a much worse state now if he didn't have Cal. But Cal had been all alone.

Cal sighed. "This went on for about a week. But then I cut myself at work. It was only a paper cut: nothing major. I cut myself on a discharge form. Bled over it a bit. No-one else was in contact with my blood, but it just reminded me how accidents happened sometimes. What if I injured myself badly and my colleagues had to treat me and they didn't know? Obviously, we do always take precautions against cross-infection, but it just made me realise I had to have the test done. So I did."

Three simple words, but Ethan knew it hadn't been as easy as that. Just thinking about it had brought tears to Cal's eyes.

"And I came out clear," said Cal, blinking hard.

Ethan put his arms around Cal and hugged him tightly. "If it happens again, you know I'll be here," he said.

"I know," said Cal. "And I'm here now."

Ethan's voice was muffled by Cal's shoulder. "I'm glad you're here."

They hugged for a bit longer. Then it started to feel really awkward so they let go. Cal checked he didn't have a hair out of place, and Ethan cleared his throat and adjusted his glasses.

"Your Honey's Honey Tea's getting cold," said Cal.

Ethan had a sip and just about managed to stop himself from spitting it out. "I think this is the most disgusting tea I've ever tasted."

Cal laughed. "I won't tell Honey you said that."

"I'd appreciate that," said Ethan.

"Though if it works out for you and Honey, you might have to," said Cal.

Ethan sighed. "I can't even think about it working out with Honey now. I can't really think about anything much until I know."

"You'll know soon," said Cal. "And I'll be treating patients with my fingers crossed till I know you're okay."

"And if I'm not okay?" Ethan could only whisper the words.

"Then I'll be here," said Cal.

* * *

 _I'm sorry if the bit about the Find the Honey mug contradicts something that happens in the series - I haven't seen all Honey's episodes yet and the people I usually ask are away. I just thought it would be nice to make the mug into a sort of symbol._

 _This is probably the end so thank you for the reviews, favourites and follows - I hope you enjoyed reading it!_


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